Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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