seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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