Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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