i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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