I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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