dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
