apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
