There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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