I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
