I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So vagazzling was a success
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
