i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
