so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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