So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
