am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
