I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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