Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
