wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
