Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
