just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
