Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
this beer tastes like vomit already
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
