Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
