I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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