So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
