just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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