i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
