I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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