Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
