hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
