So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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