He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
