I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
