shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
how does that bad decision feel?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
