Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
