My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize