he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
