I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
