im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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