my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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