turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
