I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
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My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
