I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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