We named our party play list daddy issues
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
