it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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