i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
your like the ambassador to my penis.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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