Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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