this beer tastes like vomit already
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
