i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
