Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
