I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
