I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
