You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
