i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
