I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
