I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
