so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
