You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
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