Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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