Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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