if only i could text you this smell
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
