Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
