I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
