can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
