I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
