All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize