come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
