Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
