our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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