Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
