Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
